May 24, 2024 Diary

 

*This post may look incomplete but don't leave yet! It will be randomly updated throughout the day :)

Pathetic for me to admit but I honestly have no friends anymore. When I was being abused a few years back I completely shut myself off from the world. A few people did try to reconnect with me but my traumatized brain couldn't compute that people could actually be nice to me without some ulterior motive and I literally thought everyone was out to get me. So I shut everyone out and I was a pretty miserable and sad person as a result of it. Extremely depressed and had a lot of suicidal ideation and stuff just hoping I would go to sleep and never wake up. Curse the world every morning I did. Yeah. It was bad. Won't go into detail of the abuse. But it was beyond awful.

So yeah to the current times we have moved to another state to start fresh and be away from my shitty family and his shitty family. Things are still rough because I still get triggered and break down and cry but I try my best to keep my head up. That definitely had a huge part in me gaining so much weight.

My main point of this is that I wish I did have actual friends. I don't even have any internet friends. I am just a lone wolf. I wish I had friends to share a cool new show I came across or discuss hobbies of mine. Shit, even have a buddy by my side to do this weight loss journey with me. That's the real reason why I have so many side blogs (it's linked in a random previous diary) But no. I am all by pathetic self. I always had a hard time making friends but somehow I did in high school and I kept in contact with a handful of them a few years after but when SO was being a shithead to me I went into major depressed mode and shut down and pushed everyone away.

I don't even know how to make adult friends and it's so pathetic and lonely as I am getting closer to 40 years old. Ugh. 

Just a vent. Forgive the oversharing.

For breakfast I repeated yesterday's frittata except I put the ricotta and sautéed cut up sausage links in the cup with the scrambled egg with a pinch of salt & pepper and dumped in the pan. I still flipped it. Tasted great. Will do it this way from now on.