Vacation Blues

 So I have recently came back from a family trip back to our home state from Spring Break. You should know that it's a complete no-no to broadcast to the internet when you are going on vacation so I didn't. Just coming back! I run a couple of side blogs and for a few of them I decided to test out scheduling posts for the entire week I was out for the first time and it worked like a charm. I also cross link my posts so I did have to end up doing some light editing but in the end it was totally cool! That's why I love keeping finished posts in drafts for this very reason. It was an impromtu vacay anyway.

What matters is that I am back!

What sucked is that it was not good for my diet. That was the one thing I did not prepare for. I ended up eating nothing but fast food and eating out all week. First time in a VERY LONG TIME I chose to do that. Mind you, I didn't eat breakfast, lunch and dinner fast food. I did skip meals and I did try my best to pick the "healthiest" of the choices I had. By that I mean mostly grilled chicken sandwiches. A few times but I do admit I did eat very unhealthy like pizza and mexican food (my weakness!)

So I imagine that my weight probably ballooned up again. Although I do feel good! 

Which comes to the point of my post. I obviously have not been doing enough. When I looked into the mirror at my home, I thought I looked okay, you know? That made a drastic 180 change when I looked at myself in pictures taken throughout the trip. I looked like a fat blob. It's embarrassing as I initially did not want to go for my family to see how much weight I put on. Extremely embarrassing but they all saw me. Kill me now.

Oh well but anyway I am really in depressed mode right now. There's a family reunion coming up in less than 6 months and my goal was to make a drastic weight loss by then but at this point there is no way I can. The last time I made a major weight loss in 2 months it put such a toll on my health as I did a crash diet which I highly DO NOT RECOMMEND. 

Here I am in the 2nd week of April so I will put some more scheduling around my routines. I just hate being so lazy. I make great short term goals but for some reason I feel so burned out just as quickly and quit. I have no support system nor family/friends to cheer me on and tell me to get off my fat ass. I have to 100% rely on self motivation.

I have an inkling that my other half does not want me to lose weight. He thinks if I lose weight, I will gain back my self confidence for the worse (AKA cheat) so he clearly wants me to be a fat ass. Mind you, he's not fat himself. In fact, he is very skinny, not the skinniest he's been since I've met him but at an uncomfortable amount. I actually prefer way more meat on a guy, actually. So him being so slim is a bit off putting. I'm not talking about overweight/obese like myself but at least some husky vibes, you know?

I just get so self conscious at the sight of him being so thin and even underweight standing next to my overweight fat ass. So embarrassing! Why the hell do I have such a hard time losing weight!? In my 20s I ate like shit, fast food and high calorie greasy foods and sweets and I was able to maintain and even lose weight at some parts of my life. For some reason, the smaller portions I am eating and even choosing healthier options is just not doing it! That's why I mostly don't believe the 90% of weight loss happens in the kitchen. Or whatever the fuck percentage it is.

I'm sure it is true but I believe exercising is a huge part too! So why the fuck am I so lazy!!! Sorry for the rant I just hate myself so much. I hate looking at current pictures of myself. My phone often has those "Memories from XYZ" and it's depressing to see how skinny and slimmer my face was barely 2 years ago. I know I can make it, so why the hell am I too lazy when it comes to the work?! 

Healthy weight loss is like 1 pound a week. I'm averaging 1 pound loss a MONTH! Here's to me hitting rock bottom for the millionth time and trying to keep that motivation to lose more weight.